“Scary Movie 5” Totally Terrible

Ashley Tisdale & Sarah Hyland: 'Scary Movie 5' Trailer & Poster

LOGOConsider for a moment doing any of the following: 1. Having a root canal sans Novocain; 2. Sitting through a marathon of Tyler Perry films; 3. Watching Keanu (I-Can’t-Act) Reeves play Hamlet; 4. Falling into the path of an oncoming New York subway train; 5. Being shoved into a sleeping bag filled with black mambas; 6. Seeing a remake of “Casablanca” starring Pee Wee Herman and Rosanne Barr.

I would rather do any or all of the above than sit through “Scary Movie 5” a second time. Hollywood has hit a new low with the release of this insultingly stupid, totally tasteless, and embarrassingly inept fifth installment of the series that began back in 2000. Perhaps because it did not receive one positive review on Metacritic.com, the filmmakers will get the message and spare us the agony of churning out No. 6. But whatever they decide, one thing is certain; yours truly has seen his last one.

1

It’s probably appropriate that a movie this horrendous opens with a scene between two of the most classless “stars” in Hollywood – Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Yes, these two notorious bad actors meet in Charlie’s bedroom filled with cameras to make a porn tape, and after a scene that is at once pathetically humorless and patently repulsive, the two are relaxing in bed. Suddenly an invisible force lifts Charlie into the air and smashes him into various places around the room before returning him to the bed.

Scary Movie 5

At this point, Lindsay decides she has seen enough paranormal activity and says she is leaving. But before she has the chance to escape, the same force begins throwing her about the room until she manages to turn it back on Charlie, who is hurled into a camera and killed. Now we are informed that Charlie’s three children have gone missing, and in the meantime Lindsay is sent back to her second home in jail for the murder of Charlie.

Now new characters take over the film, as the focus switches to the search for Charlie’s children, and we move ahead a few months to find Snoop Dog and Mac Miller (played by themselves) combing the woods for some marijuana plants. After they steal a plant, they hide out in an isolated cabin where they encounter three animalistic creatures that turn out to be Charlie’s children. Snoop and Mac receive a reward for turning them in, and Charlie’s brother, Dan Sanders (Simon Rex) and his wife, Jody (Ashley Tisdale ultimately adopt them and take them to live in a new home equipped with multi security cameras to monitor paranormal activity.

3

From this point on the film continues its inferior parodying of the following: “Paranormal Activity,” “Black Swan,” “Mama,” “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” “Sinister,” “Fifty Shades of Grey,” “Madea,” “Inception,” “Evil Dead,” “The Cabin in the Woods,” and “Insidious.”

As one who has endured the unmitigated agony of sitting through such worthless films as the “Paranormal Activity” and “Madea” series and “Mama,” I can tell you that the only thing worse than viewing any of these films a second time is having to watch an ineptly acted, shoddily made, and irrefragably inferior film that purports to parody them.

Scary Movie 5

As the minutes during this horrific viewing nightmare dragged by (The film’s running time of 86 minutes felt tantamount to at least four or five hours.), I found myself becoming increasingly angry because I would never be able to recoup the hour and 26 minutes of my life I had wasted watching such a debacle, and now I even have grown weary writing about it. Therefore, let’s mercifully wrap it up.

“Scary Movie 5” may well be the worst film I’ve ever had the misfortune of seeing. In addition to being totally devoid of any humor and being filled with myriad ineffectual and tasteless sight gags, it has no redeeming value whatsoever. Thus, this film has the dubious distinction of receiving the worst rating of my stellar career. Yes, film fans this one gets an ultimately insulting minus 10!!! Even so, I must admit that one word in its title is apropos. Just think about the fact that some people actually pay to see a film like this. NOW THAT IS SCARY!!!

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